The Truth About Self-Esteem
Developing Capable, Confident Kids and Teens
Self-esteem deficits have been blamed for everything from poor academic achievement to anger problems and violence.
The two sides of self-esteem. In the popular press, there appears to be two camps. There are those who advocate taking all measures to protect kids from bad feelings and to encourage kids to feel that they are special and important no matter what they do. Then there are those who advocate high standards and a make-or-break attitude that leaves little room for failure. Those who advocate the first line of thinking are often accused of being too soft and encouraging spoiled kids, while those who advocate letting kids face the consequences of their behavior are thought of as too harsh and not caring about kids’ feelings. Isn’t there a middle ground somewhere?
Where does self-esteem come from? Positive self-regard comes from feeling capable and confident. Feeling capable and confident, naturally, comes from reaching some measure of success or achievement. To put it simply, kids feel good about themselves when they master or accomplish something. In turn, these confident feelings encourage further achievement, and so on.
The self-esteem lie. Many self-esteem “programs” advocate encouraging kids to feel positive about themselves based on little more than the empty words. Platitudes such as “You’re special!” and “You’re great just as you are!” attempt to build up kid’s egos without the expectation of any self-improvement or growth. Without ties to any real accomplishment, the praise is hollow, and kids know it. Further damage is done when kids internalize that message to mean, “if they tell me I’m wonderful and I haven’t even done anything, maybe that means they don’t think I CAN do anything.” Or worse, “if I’m already great, why should I try something I might not be able to do and risk looking incompetent?” Far from inspiring capability, this line of thinking actually encourages helplessness.
Protecting kid’s feelings. There is also a common belief that kid’s should be protected from all measure of bad experiences or feelings. The (faulty) thinking is that if a child doesn’t make the team (or win first prize, or get invited to the birthday party, or get straight A’s) that it will damage his or her self-esteem. The fact is that this kind of “protection” merely robs kids of the opportunity to learn to cope with problems, failure and disappointment. In the real world, everyone does not win first place, and we do kids a disservice when we teach them to expect that.
What can do you? Praise kids for effort and accomplishment, not just for existence. Make your praise mean something. Instead of padding disappointments, help kids develop the coping skills to work through them. Encourage kids to try the unknown even if it means risking failure, and support their efforts. Help kids learn to acknowledge and express appreciation for others’ successes as well as their own, so they learn that they don’t have to push others down to make themselves feel good.
