Improving Teen Self Confidence: Building Self-Esteem in Teenagers

The teenage years can be turbulent ones, full of self-doubt and angst at the outside world. It’s normal for things not always to be rosy, but sometimes teens can use a little extra help in building their self-confidence. Doing the things listed below won’t magically improve a teen’s self-esteem – and a teenager with low self-confidence may have trouble doing these things – but making the effort… to smile, to say no in the face of opposition… is important. Acting self-confident is the first step to feeling self-confident.

May 7, 2008 9:36 AM

Guest :

cool...it's helps alot

Aug 15, 2008 8:02 PM

Guest :

yeahyeahyeah..i know
this stuff doesnt help!

Aug 16, 2008 8:11 PM

Estela Kennen :

How about you just try ONE thing (that might or might not be on the list), that probably won't work, but maybe just possibly will... and really go for it. Do it even if it feel strange, or doesn't seem to be working. Do it for a week, see what you think. It might not work, but hey, things are probably not going to get better if you always do what you've always done.

Aug 22, 2008 4:17 PM

Guest :

Do these things for a month and they will become habit. It will help and more people will be attracted to you.

Sep 17, 2008 8:06 PM

Guest :

It is very helpful and this is what I needed to hear thx

Sep 18, 2008 11:26 AM

Guest :

I think you should make it more recent. Like the information should be more accurate and recent if possible.
But good job. :)

Sep 18, 2008 7:33 PM

Estela Kennen :

Recent like what? Please add your ideas!

Sep 19, 2008 5:13 AM

Guest :

wow, I hope this helps. I just entered a new school and it's really hard for me.

Sep 20, 2008 11:43 AM

Estela Kennen :

Starting new is tough. One thing you might try is joining an after-school club or sport that sounds interesting. That way, you'll meet other people that at least have SOMETHING in common with you, and they can introduce you to more people and help you get to know the ins and outs of the school.

Sep 23, 2008 10:24 AM

Guest :

Im going to start trying some of these becuase im really shy and latelly i have started to notice that other people get more attention and tend to be happier than me. i also find it really hard to make friends because i dont really know what to say. I have been going to a really hard time for 3 weeks now and i feel depressed all the time becuase i feel like i dont fit in. I think im puttin myself down becuase i feel like im settign a standard on myself like i am not good enough and negative thoughts are constantly in my mind. :(

hope you can give me some advice

Sep 25, 2008 8:19 AM

Estela Kennen :

I'm sorry you are feeling down. But I'm glad you are doing something about it!

Don't think too much about how you will approach people. A) You can end up psyching yourself out for no good reason, and B) It hardly ever goes as planned anyway. Just think of an open-ended question (not a yes/no question), and hopefully a conversation will start. If not, just try again later, or with someone else. Here are some possible questions:
- What did you think of class today?
- What do people here do on the weekend?
- I heard you saw X movie/went to X concert. What did you think?

By the way, here's a trick that helps me A LOT when I'm sad: don't listen to your sad/dark thoughts. It won't necessarily make the sadness go away, but it will help stop from making it worse. It sounds strange to ignore your own thoughts, and it takes practice, but it really works!

Sep 28, 2008 6:16 PM

Guest :

But the reason i have confidence problems are because i cant do these things... i've been in love with this one guy for over a year now and sure we talk but never on that level.... no one wants to date the fat girl... even if you look everybody in the eye or smile all day!!! ),:

Sep 29, 2008 8:33 AM

Estela Kennen :

About being liked back: The athletic girl, the preppy girl, the hippy girl, the pretty girl, the rocker guy, the rich boy, the class clown--- EVERYONE I knew in high school liked/loved someone... often for years and years... who didn't like/love them back. If you're hanging all your hopes on one person, I wish you luck! But just because it doesn't occur to one guy doesn't like you "in that way" doesn't mean you're not likable.

About confidence: Just because you can't do something now doesn't mean you can't do it tomorrow. We weren't born being able to walk or read or feed ourselves or do any of the things we take for granted. It took a lot of time and effort for those things to become effortless. And it can take time and effort to feel and show confidence... but if you keep at it, one day it will become second nature, too.

If you see yourself as the "fat girl" , that is how you will show yourself to the world, and that is how most people will see you, too... or maybe just as that quiet girl. But you are much more than that - so make sure the world knows it.

Oct 12, 2008 10:56 AM

Guest :

im really glad ive read this, i have no reason not to be confident but i am an this is a real eye opener

thanks xD

Oct 17, 2008 5:56 AM

Guest :

My 13 yr old daughter is shy and has no confidence outside the home.Have just read your article and comments to the guest who cant think what to say.That is so my duaghter.Just want to say you have given me really good ideas and will get my daughter to read your articles, thank you very much, from a not so worried mum now

Oct 17, 2008 8:32 AM

Guest :

i think it's a good idea and i'm going to try it. i used to be really shy and my confidence has gone up a bit. i used to never be able to talk to people. i never made eye contact and looked the other way and i never smiled to anyone. Recently one of my friends told me to smile every once in a while because she thought i was upset or something. I have made loads of friends now and i feel more confident about myself and am doing better at school. Did it work for all of you?

Oct 17, 2008 12:53 PM

Estela Kennen :

Mum -- I'm glad you are armed with ideas now. Be patient! This is a rough time.

Re - Did it work for you.
I used to be a wallflower when I was growing up. Now I can speak to anyone (or everyone) about anything at any time. It took a long time to become completely confident, but here are the things that helped:
-- finding a core group of friends I felt comfortable with.
-- getting in the right frame of mind. Part of this might be realizing that people are not staring at you waiting for you to make some mistake. For me an important thought was "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only once." Why put yourself through the agony of a thousand little deaths? It was a waste of time and energy. For someone else, it might be some positive mantra.
-- having to talk to strangers and give speeches in front of people for a job I had. It caused me a lot of anxiety at first, but the more you do it, the more you get used to it until one day you think "Huh, that would have given me a heart attack before, but I just did it without thinking twice about it. I must not be shy anymore."

Oct 21, 2008 8:50 PM

Guest :

This is wonderful. I definitely think this could help a great deal. It's very easy to understand :)

Nov 1, 2008 11:17 AM

Guest :

i joined a band and as singer it really helped my self esteem by singing in front of people and even when my self concious part thinks people are making fun of me its easy to disregard it and laugh

Nov 1, 2008 2:57 PM

Estela Kennen :

that (singing in a band) is a great example of putting yourself out there to get over your self-consciousness.

Nov 5, 2008 9:43 AM

Guest :

me parece bein

Nov 5, 2008 9:44 AM

Guest :

elegant
those are a good tips for a person who has
a low level of self esteem

Nov 5, 2008 9:48 AM

Guest :

I like it so much... it can be really helpfull :D XD .... im gonna invite some friend to watch it!

Nov 5, 2008 9:48 AM

Guest :

...all this tips are very important to be a succesuf person, If we practice every day maybe will be more important for other...

Nov 5, 2008 9:53 AM

Guest :

I agree with the advice about what do you need fo r be a self confident, and the people can be found a help for be people person a selfconfident.......

Nov 5, 2008 9:54 AM

Guest :

I agree with this articule about "Improving Teen Self Confidence" because it's necessary for everybody know about how can be self confident.

Nov 5, 2008 9:57 AM

Guest :

This is an excellent guide to start improving your self-confidence and self-esteem. It's like perfect steps to feel more confidence in yourself, and a good way to look at you and start to see a beatiful person.

Nov 5, 2008 9:59 AM

Guest :

I think this advices are really helpful to improve our self-steem, thanks :):) I'll try it (n_n) (*_*)

Nov 5, 2008 9:59 AM

Guest :

It is completely truth,its helpful and interesting too =P thx. I think that if you practice this for a week your life gonna be better. C=

Nov 5, 2008 10:01 AM

Guest :

Andres:

I agree with smiling and the good posture, but Make eye contact, sometimes result a litle weird. when you stare at someone always result uncomfortable.

Nov 5, 2008 10:14 AM

Guest :

Hi!!!

Weel, these thing maybe are the temporal solutions but what really is important is your type personality and the self-confidence or self-confidence level that you have to want.

these thing are de advice but aren´t the definitly solutions.

Dec 11, 2008 11:00 AM

Guest :

It makes me want to cry almost everytime that I see a beautiful girl in a magazine, or on t.v., because I feel like I'm not/ was never that pretty in the first place, even though everyone tells me that I'm skinny and pretty. I really want to be there for my daughter (If I eventually have one) and teach her to love her own self... hopefully I can learn how to do that for myself, because I can't teach someone how to be something that I don't know how to be either.
This advice helped a little... but it is very hard to reverse someone's thinking after 21 years of them doing the same thing.

Dec 21, 2008 7:41 PM

Guest :

I feel that way when I speak to dudes. I might start talking to them and then out of nowhere they start asking me if I'd do this and that for them...I'm not going to be treated disrespectfully for anyone

Jan 4, 2009 5:52 PM

Guest :

The only thing that i haven't tried is the eye contact thing.... i doubt it'll help

Jan 7, 2009 4:34 PM

Guest :

I have a 17 year old daughter who lacks self confidance. She is bright, beautiful, but just seems ok as settling for less than what she is capable of. I hope I can give her some direction.

Jan 8, 2009 7:19 AM

Guest :

I think it relates to the role models you see when growing up. I also believe that it is cultural, inner city kids amy view self-confidence as having a certain swagger, not giving eye contact and not walking away from a fight.

Jan 8, 2009 6:10 PM

Estela Kennen :

You are very right that certain things are cultural.
As far as not walking away... it's true that standing up for yourself is important, but that means that sometimes you need to say "Forget this, I'm leaving."
As far as eye contact, that can be a big problem, because often times teachers and employers didn't grow up in the same culture as inner city youth (or other people who also don't maintain eye contact), and they read it the wrong way, like someone's being too shy or disrespectful or has something to lie. So maybe people need to learn to look away when they're with a certain crowd and look straight in the eyes when they're with another crowd. Same thing with the swagger... sometimes it's fine to do; sometimes it leaves the wrong impression.

Jan 13, 2009 9:25 AM

Guest :

<b/> <u/> THIS DOESNTWORK!!!!!! IM ONLY DOIN DIS CAUSEOF SCHOOL!

Jan 24, 2009 9:02 PM

Guest :

Hi i dont know if you are still answering people, and I do not mean to bother you, but I have had an issue for a while. To begin, I have lived in the same school district since 4th grade and I am half way through 9th grade now. This could serve as something good, but mostly it does not. Ironically, the people who I grow attached to have one by one left and moved, but the people who make me feel inferior and cause my low self-esteem stay. For example there is a girl that has been in at least one of my classes every yera since 4th grade, and she has always been loud and popular and "had it all". I am so jelous of her because no matter what she does or how far she puts herself out there, people always accept her, cheer her on, and like her even more. When I do things like that I either loose friends, or loose opportunities for friends. She can wear the weirdest things and be admired for it, while I get looked down upon for dressing classy. I DO NOT copy her in any way because I know that I am uniqe, but people just dont seem to appriciate that. Personally, I think that I am just as pretty if not prettier than this girl. She dies her hair and wears a lot of makeup and flashy clothes, but I dont wear makeup, I am tall and skinny with hips lol, and have light blond hair and blue eyes. It is just that for some reason, the reason I have yet to this day figured ou, people mezmorize over her. I have tried to build more self confidence and work on not feeling inferior to her but whenever I see her (in the halls, in science class) all my hard work melts away like sand through hands.

Basically, my problem is that I do not know how to break out of this mold that I have been living behind. I do not want to compete with her but I just need advice on how I CAN BREAK FREE FROM FEELING INFERIOR TO HER haha. ANy advice would be appriciated:))

Jan 25, 2009 9:38 AM

Estela Kennen :

Tough problem. I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but here goes:
-- you can't change the girl and you can't change the situation
-- other people's opinions are in large part out of your control; as long as you're being true to yourself, don't worry about what they think. Trust me, their taste will change, or you will move and things will get a lot easier (though probably not soon enough).
-- the one thing you do have control over is your thoughts and your feelings. Thoughts and feelings can be very HARD to change... but it is possible. Every time you see this girl or think of her and start feeling down on yourself, just think "Don't go there" or "It's not my problem" or whatever you think might work. The point is to crowd out the bad thoughts.. You might have to think "Don't go there, don't go there, don't go there" until something else happens to distract your mind. Or if you're feeling down on yourself, just tell yourself something like "There's nothing I can do about this that I'm not already doing. It's not worth my time. I know I feel bad, but it will pass." In other words, just accept it and move on. I know this all sounds strange, but it works! Just like people can train their bodies to run longer or do more push ups, people can train their minds. If you want more details on it, look up "cognitive behavioral therapy." It's not going to get better right away, but it will get better, if you work on it.

Good luck, and keep me posted!

Jan 30, 2009 8:24 AM

Guest :

yeah it helps but dese tings r easier said (or in dis case 'read') dan done..

Jan 31, 2009 9:21 PM

Guest :

Hi I was the one that left the super long comment above

Ummmm, that did not really help

but in the time that has passed

I have gotten over her.

I realised she is just attention starved. She insists on talking so loudly because she waants all eyes on her. She goes out with senior boys because she wants to feel "mature". She dresses like she does so she can stand out from the crowd, because again, if everyone's attention isnt on her thats just not ok apparently. She steals people's ideas and makes them her own to hide the fact that shes pretty fake and uncreative. A lot of people like her, but a lot of those people are the ones considered shallow and attention starved as well. There is twice as many people that don't like her, I noticed. She gets in trouble in class; great choice! She has bee such a waste of my time and energy. I am so ashamed of myself that I have acctually wated TIME thinking about this hoe. WOW!! I cant believe it!! HA!!

Feb 11, 2009 3:13 PM

Guest :

this is great! I looked it up for a friend and then tried some for myself and well, WOW! It really makes improvements!

Feb 17, 2009 2:28 PM

Guest :

Bushra
yeah....this site helps

Feb 18, 2009 11:42 AM

Guest :

i dont get it

Feb 19, 2009 10:41 AM

Guest :

I'm the mother of a 6th grade girl who, because of her birthday, could be up to one year younger than her peers. In addition, we live in an area where very often the 6th graders behave as if they were in high school. Right now they are coupling up. My daughter has a lot of girl friends, however all but 2 or 3 have a boy friend. These relationships last for months, as well. I'm happy my daughter does not have a boy friend. I think she needs time to figure out who she is before going down that road. However, I'm concerned about her level of confidence and self-esteem. She does not know I can read her IM's via spy software. I see she has been putting herself down in chat rooms by repeatedly announcing she's the only "single lady" there. The other kids respond in a way that says they don't care about the single part, but rather that she's focused on it. She also engages in many annnoying behaviors, like pressing the space bar 100 times, ending with "I was spaced out." Another one is that she kept typing "That's what she said" after every comment by another person. The other kids asked her to stop/what's wrong with you? Yet she continued. I realized these behaviors are minor, but I think they say a lot about her confidence-level. How can I help her when I really shouldn't know any of this? I've tried to behaviors shown around the house to send my message of respect for others as well as yourself, but she hasn't made the connection.

Feb 20, 2009 8:13 AM

Estela Kennen :

This is a tough one, but I would say:
-- keep modeling the right behaviors
-- reinforce the good behaviors you see (that she knows you see)
-- talk about the bad behaviors you see (that she knows you see)
-- encourage her self-esteem by supporting her endevours in things she is good at... and by supporting her effort in things she is still learning
-- stop "spying" on her. It sounds like she is not doing anything dangerous, the other kids are using peer pressure for her betterment, and you are obsessing. I don't mean any offense; a lot of parents are guilty of "hovering", but it sounds like she's just trying to figure things out, test boundaries, and be a normal 5th-6th grader who will sometimes do obnoxious or dumb things. It might actually be more harmful to her self-esteem to have a parent who a) doesn't trust her and b) is critical of every slight flaw. I am not saying you are that person, but I am saying you don't want to be that person.

Feb 24, 2009 11:08 PM

Guest :

i had no idea about some of these things and how much some of this works but i think some of those idiots who said "this doesn't work have the wrong idea...
Q:why do some people act like allways happy it confuses me X)

Feb 27, 2009 11:11 AM

Guest :

This has really helped, i am 15 .. thing is though, my best mates are sooo confident and really 'out there' but i am not really shy, just i go bright red at any situation. i dont talk to the lad i really like because i know i will go red (and i mean bright red)and i dont wanna embarras myself, i just feel really down because of it, i wear anti redness cream but it doesnt work any tips ? Thankyou xx

Feb 27, 2009 6:30 PM

Estela Kennen :

About turning bright red
Either
a -- get over it. people sweat or stammer or giggle uncontrollably. you get bright red. so what. it's probably not as bad as you think it is, so just start doing all those things that make you anxious, and sooner or later you'll stop turning quite as red as you used to.

b -- if this is really quite bad and uncontrollable and it's hampering your life, maybe you should mention it to your doctor.

Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

Mar 4, 2009 11:02 PM

Guest :

I like this a lot I'm 18 and extremely shy and give in to dumb stuff cuz I'm more afraid of saying no and being hated. I act destructive so I seem more bold sometimes. But it never really works the way I'd like it too. I love these tips I want to print it and carry it around thjats the only way ill listen to it

Mar 5, 2009 11:23 PM

Guest :

This is a great article!

May I cite it in my report which discusses about teenager??

Thanks.

Mar 8, 2009 3:54 PM

Estela Kennen :

Sure, anyone can cite this article in a school project the way you would cite any other article.

Mar 9, 2009 4:26 PM

Guest :

I have acne that isent very obvious tell the end of the day, when all my dots come out. (thats ALOT) I have a really HOTT older boyfriend and i am always afraid he will dump me. like today i came in looked at my self in the mirrow and started crying because i saw all these really ugly dots, and there all over! a dont feel really self confidence all the time. what could i do to help myself?

Mar 10, 2009 7:06 PM

Estela Kennen :

Dear Night-time Acne:
This definitely sounds like a case of "get over yourself". Your extremely HOT boyfriend thinks you're just fine the way you are (except for those flare-ups of insecurity). Next time (and the time after that, and the time after that) you feel overwhelmed by how you look, just say to yourself something along the lines of "This isn't how other people see me, so I have to STOP thinking about it." And then change your train of thought. Do not let these negative feelings take control. Do not make mountains out of dots (no matter how many dots there are).

Good luck!

Mar 14, 2009 3:23 PM

Guest :

i smile and laught a lot, and im friendly and somewhat outgoing. i dont have a problem with making eye contact. im bold at some times... (but not so much at others). im getting better and better at not procrastinating. i love to act/sing/be onstage - im in the school musical. my postures not great but i dont slump too badly or shuffle my feet or anything. all these tips sound so familiar and i look through them and like check off the things that i basically have down already....yet i still have a self confidence level of 0. i dont have much free time but i spend whatever free time i do have wallowing in self pity...im fat, im in 10th grade but i look like im 12, im no good at singing or acting but i used to be, i feel like i have no friends, i always make a fool of myself around guys, i never say the right things, im not pretty, and i feel like no one likes me. i just dont understand. i feel like i have nothing going for me...im hopeless.
i need help.

Mar 16, 2009 6:11 PM

Estela Kennen :

Dear Hopeless,

Thanks for writing. I am glad you are staying active and doing all the right things despite feeling so down on yourself. Maybe the next step is to stop over-analyzing your actions. Just about everyone feels like they make a fool out of themselves around guys, or don't say the right thing, that they're not pretty, that people don't like them --- some of the time. But thinking it all of the time is problematic. Try to train yourself to stop that line of thinking. This might be bigger than something you can handle yourself. Writing about your problems in a post was a good first step. But talking face-to-face with a counselor can do you much more good than I ever could. You'd have more time to talk about your problems and why you feel the way you do, and the counselor could suggest many more strategies for you to work on. You don't have to feel hopeless and like you have nothing going for you. Please do get help -- and let us know how it goes!

Mar 20, 2009 7:44 AM

Guest :

kewl... im going 2use this n my advice column

Mar 21, 2009 3:24 PM

Guest :

Hi i dont know if you can help but i am really shy and dnt have much confidence and im 15 now. its not getting any easier i find school really tough and cant do any presentations, stand up in frnt of the class or talk to new people. I am the totaly opposite with my friends and family but cnt seem to get over my shyness with others. im finding school impossible and staying off most of the time because of this. Any advice would be appreciated. x

Mar 24, 2009 3:51 AM

Estela Kennen :

Hi x. Nothing wrong with being different from your friends. Nothing wrong with having trouble public speaking. Something majorly wrong with staying away from school. I know it seems like your shyness is a part of you that will never change, but it can. However, flunking out of school can affect you for the rest of your life. If it really is that bad, talk to your parents about home schooling or virtual schools (24 states have this online public school, for instance: http://www.k12.com) Now, this is not an excuse to avoid people. This is just a way to continue doing school while you work on your other problem. If being painfully shy is your biggest problem, give yourself little goals to work on. ("Today, I will say hi to someone I don't know" and gradually make them more complex.) It's just like trainingg to run or even learning to talk. It's slow and takes a lot of practice, but eventually you do it with no problem.... but don't focus on the far away goal... just the little goal you must achieve today. Good luck, and let us know how things work out.

Apr 12, 2009 3:20 PM

Guest :

this isn't that useful, it just says the same as every other self confidence thing. I'm 13 and have never had a boyfriend, because I'm too shy to flirt. I have very little self confidence, and it doesn't help that I'm fat and get bullied at school.
Please help me!

Apr 12, 2009 6:45 PM

Estela Kennen :

I am very sorry to hear you get bullied at school. I'm not sure what happens to you, but I hope that your situation changes. I'm also sorry to hear about your lack of self-confidence. Maybe you can work on your body image, and your self-confidence will improve (though it's a loosing battle to tie your self-confidence to your looks... think of all those gorgeous movie stars who become anorexic or have tons of plastic surgery because they don't think they look good enough!) But maybe loosing a little weight and knowing you can do something that you couldn't do before (like running or swimming or dancing or whatever you think would be interesting/challenging) would help you feel better.

About your boy woes: I know this isn't going to help, but most of the people I knew hadn't had a boyfriend or girlfriend by the time they were 13. Forget about flirting -- if that's not "you," then flirting is just going to seem strange or forced. You want someone to like you for you-- because of your sense of humor, shared interest, your views on life, etc. So just work on liking yourself... Some day a guy will notice (maybe not as soon as you like, but that has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough... just with the fact that it's hard not to be impatient).

Let me know more about what's going on with your life.

Apr 20, 2009 7:16 PM

Guest :

this is good and all but not always true, one problem now happening is:
this girl use to be my friend but she talked about me and my friends in bad ways and now she knows its wrong but people aren't exactly "letting it go" i see her knowing that she lost all she had and the people that use to care about what she said but now its all gone for her. so what do you think she does.
now about me,: i have great friends and an awesome best friend but sometimes i have to care about what they might think if i act someway but i know deep down my best friend doesn't care she just likes me for me but something is still telling me be careful about the way you act.
hope you can help with both problems help QUICKLY thank you

Apr 21, 2009 9:59 AM

Guest :

ya know, i do all these things, but im still quiet as a mouse when i'm at school! it's not that im *shy* necissarily, its just my girls are REAL outgoing, and i've always been a quieter person, so i kinda get overshadowed. i don't want to get another group of friends, cuz these are my best mates, but at the same time, i don't want to constantly be looked at as 'the quiet girl'. any tips??
thanks!

Apr 22, 2009 10:41 AM

Guest :

my son, 14, is an extremely good singer but will only sing in a group. in his group he is dissapointed with other kids' singing skills and doesn't get good harmony, yet he is nervous to sing alone. he enjoys singing more than anything in the world but is afraid that he will mess up if he sings alone. at home he is singing all the time and so i know how good he is. he is generally reserved and has trouble keeping eye contact. he tells me -if only he could sing in front of people. i want to help him but don't know how. -wattodo

May 14, 2009 7:29 PM

Guest :

Very good info but since the issue is bad teen self-confidence how is it going to help if they are rejected because they walk away. That is the main issue in the first place, they do not fit in. If you encourage them to walk away then they are back at square one and this time they have no shot at making friends. I realize that this is a tough issue, but it needs to be covered in order that this page be made complete.

May 24, 2009 1:52 PM

Estela Kennen :

Re walking away:
I don't agree that the main issue regarding low self-confidence is not fitting in. That might be true for some people, but not for all. I do agree that teens with low self-confidence need to be willing to try things out of their comfort zone. But I also know that people do stupid, and even dangerous things, in order to "fit in" -- and it's never worth it. So that's what I mean when I say people have be willing to walk away. You have to know what's right and wrong, what fits with your values, and stick to it. Doing something you know is wrong just so you can "fit in" is not going to help your self-confidence in the long wrong, and it might just screw up your life.

May 24, 2009 2:02 PM

Estela Kennen :

Re Shy Singer:
Try building him up slowly:
-- have him sing in front of a small group of family members (or close friends, if he'll allow it.) the next time, have him sing in front of a bigger group, etc.
-- have him record his singing, then play it back to him, or to a small audience if appropriate.
-- see if its possible for him to sing in a smaller, more talented group. Maybe when everyone is on par, that will inspire him to work harder and sing more.
-- see if its possible for him to get a small solo in one of the group songs.
-- have him join Toastmasters, oratory, or another group where he would have to talk in front of a group.

In other words, hang in there! There are a lot of potential strategies for helping your son overcome his stage fright-- many which have not occurred to me, but which might be perfect for him. The key is to nudge him (not push!) a little past his comfort zone, and when that gets comfortable, nudge him a little more again. But try to keep it lighthearted -- you want singing to remain a joy for him. See what ideas he can come up with, or what he is willing to try... and go from there! Good luck.

May 24, 2009 2:04 PM

Estela Kennen :

Jun 12, 2009 7:06 AM

Guest :

I really liked this article and feel you have some great idea's and suggesstions in this area. My question is how can i help my 13 year old who after being severely bullied last year (mostly verbal spreading false rumours etc)she is now left with very low self esteem. I want to help her pick it up but am not sure how to go about it. At this point she is afraid to approach ppl and some kids will treat her badly and she kind of puts up with it and doesn't speak up for herself.Things are much better this year but i worry she will be lonely if she doesn't improve her social skills and learn to stand up for herself in some way. Any ideas or suggestions you may have would be very much appreciated.

Jul 22, 2009 7:19 AM

Guest :

I don't have much confidence; I always think I can't do anything very wel; I can't dance at parties beacuase I think everyone will look at me; I always compare myself to others; I don't like my photot being taken; etc.
There is one group of girls at my school, who always seem so happy and upbeat, and I constantly wish I was like them.
It makes me really sad, because I really want to be more confident.
My mum is getting married in a few days, so I want to be able to dance, and have my photo taken and have a good time, and I don't want to ruin her time either.
Just today, I couldn't have any pictures with my friends (it's my last day of Year 9) because I just believe that I won't look good.
My friends were discussing boys the other day, and how they don't like quiet girls. That made me sad, because I am quite quiet.
I really want to be more confident. Will these methods help me? Do you have any advice? Thanks :D

Aug 18, 2009 6:31 PM

Guest :

Hey estela... i never had confidence growing up in my teen years. i am about to head off to college. and i have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. but recently i made a horrible mistake by cheating on him. it was truly a mistake. he took me back. but now my confidenceis at its lowest for cheating and i have doubts abouthim leaving me because i cheated. he says he wants to work things out. my low self esteem has always got in the way of our relationship... i really need help because i love him and i need to be more confident or i will lose him forever.. PLEASE HELP!!!!

Aug 28, 2009 9:22 AM

Guest :

yeah

Sep 3, 2009 2:30 AM

Guest :

Hi, Not sure if you are still replying to comments. i have a 13 year old daughter who struggles to keep hold of friends. she only seems to be able to have one close friend at any one time and cannot seem to mix very well with a crowd of friends. she always loses the close friend in the end as they get fed up of her not being friendly with others in the group. she only seems to want to make plans with one friend. she has always been like this from starting school and we keep trying to help her and tell her to smile and people and say hi cause it doesn't cost anything but she just becomes all obsessed with one girl. we really don't know what to do anymore as her latest friend has told her she's tired of doing all the work when they go out in a group and will stop inviting her cause she can't be bothered any more. no-one seems to like her cause shes so unfriendly. she met a group at the park yesterday and some boys shouted to hide from her and ignore her and they all did even her best friend, she was very upset but said nothing to them. she sat there for an hour with no-one speaking to her and eventually went home, none of them stopped her and weren't bothered. so its now the end of summer and she's back at school soon with no friends.
Help - what can we do?

Sep 4, 2009 10:44 AM

Estela Kennen :

Dear Sept 3,
I am so sorry to hear your story. It must be very difficult for your daughter, but also heartbreaking for you because of course you want the best for her. Your story is far from hopeless, but it is not in my power to help. Would it be possible for you to take your daughter to counseling? Maybe someone can help her figure out why she puts all her energy and attention on one person, why this backfires, and what she can try instead. I know you have tried to do this already, but sometimes hearing it from an outside person, who digs in to the root of things, can help. I wish you and your family all the best.

Sep 19, 2009 5:37 PM

Guest :

this stuff doesn't really help when u havent written down the most important stuff

Oct 15, 2009 8:13 PM

Guest :

people who believe that this doesn't work are wrong. They obviously have not put enough effort or haven't tried it long enough or not at all. Just try it, and you'll see that it'll work. trust me. xoxo- moderate self esteem person lol

Oct 28, 2009 9:41 AM

Guest :

another good trick for self esteem is to write a list of the things YOU like the most about yourself, especially if they are thing that set you apart from everyone else. instead of trying to fit in with everyone, focus on what makes you unique and strengthen those things!! when i was younger i always tried to fit in and then discovered everyone wanted to know more about me when i stood out than when i fit in. put the things on your list that make you unique or different EVEN if people call it weird. because when someone calls you "weird" its because they have a weak vocabulary and dont know about more accurate words like "unique" "original" "intriguing" "interesting"
love what makes you different and makes you weird, empower those things and turn them into your most powerful tool against anyone that challenges your self esteem!!! all the famous people out there, dont just "fit in" celebrities, athletes all of them are who they are because they stood out from the crowd, now find your way to stand out and suddenly your confidence will start to grow