When a teen's world is shattered by the death of someone close to them, they may feel helpless, angry, scared, and alone.
As a trusted adult in their life, you are in a unique position, not to change their feelings, but to assist them in working through this painful process. Here are some ways you can do that.
Let Them Talk
By projecting a warm, accepting, nonjudgmental attitude, you can help teens feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you. Let them do this freely, without correcting, cutting them off, or trying to “make them feel better.” Nothing you say is going to speed the grieving process, so don’t even bother. Instead, provide a safe space for them to express their feelings, whatever they are, freely.
Let Them be Silent
Sometimes they won’t want to talk. Sometimes they might need to sit silently, or cry. Accept this as what they need to do, and don’t force kids to talk if they need this break.
Let Them Have Their Feelings
You may be surprised at how a teen reacts to a death of a relative or close friend. Their feelings may be many and mixed: confusion, sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness. They may not understand why they are feeling as they do, which can result in more confusion and guilt. Reassure them that their feelings are normal and okay, whatever they are.
Help Them Say Goodbye and Create Remembrances
Especially if a death was sudden, teens may not have had the chance to say any final words to their loved one. He or she may want to write a letter to them and tuck it away in a special place or release it with a balloon. Other ways to remember can include journaling, poetry, or other artistic expressions. Or perhaps a child may want to raise money for a related cause or take part in one of their loved ones favorite activities as a way to continue to feel close to them.
Respect Their Process
Generally, the grief process is made up of five stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not necessary closed nor do they always happen in this order. Kids may waffle back and forth between stages at various times. Also, don’t expect kids’ grief to evolve according to a predetermined timeline. Expectations that a child should be “over it by now” are disrespectful. Everyone grieves in their own way.
Be Sensitive to Possible Triggers
Holidays, birthdays, special events, and other happenings that evoke a memory of the deceased person may be especially painful for the teen. Recognize this ahead of time, and do what you can to minimize the impact of the event. For example, if a girl in your program recently lost her dad, you might want to rethink the idea of starting a Father’s Day luncheon this year.
Cut Them a Break
Now is not the time to be a stickler for details. These kids may be having a hard time holding it together, so it’s natural that they might not be functioning at top level. If they seem distracted, moody, or short-tempered, that’s to be expected.
Don’t Offer False Reassurance.
When a teen’s world is shattered, he or she may be unsure about exactly life is going to look from here on out. For example, if a parent has died, there may be a huge financial impact. A teen may be wondering if the surviving parent will be able to support the family, if they will have to move, and about other ways this event will change their life. “Everything will work out okay,” may seem like the right thing to say, but a statement like that trivializes the very real fears that the child and other family survivors are dealing with.
Helping students through grief is no easy task. But with your caring and compassion, they can find some small comfort.
