Frustration and Disappointment
Helping Kids Cope with Unpleasant Feelings
It's become popular in our culture to "protect" kids from bad feelings. But these experiences are necessary learning tools, and managing them requires critical skills.
The Problem. At some point, we became a society that felt children were better served if we shielded them from upsetting situations. We may have mistakenly believed that it helped their self-esteem, or that it was our job as parents and educators to “protect” them. But the reality is that by preventing kids from facing and dealing with these issues, we are depriving them of the opportunity to practice coping skills and develop attitudes and beliefs that will help them deal with problems in the adult world.
Coping With Frustration. True learning involves making mistakes, which often leaves children frustrated. Frustration requires a level of determination to see the problem through. Unfortunately, many children lack a sense of resolve and give up on a task immediately if they don’t get it the first time, thinking that it’s too hard, or worse, that they’re “stupid”. Why is this? One theory is that our “drill and kill” methods have eliminated the development of creative problem solving, teaching children that there is one and only one answer to most problems. Unable to get the one “right” answer, they lack the motivation to try alternate strategies. Another idea is that children who are accustomed to a steady stream of positive reinforcement, often for insignificant accomplishments, are paralyzed when faced with something they cannot do immediately. Because they perceive things as coming to them easily, it is a threat to their ego to find something that challenges them. It is less threatening to give up.
Coping with Disappointment. Closely related to coping with frustration is coping with outright disappointment. Many people erroneously believe that for children, disappointment should be avoided at all costs. Everybody makes the team, everybody gets the same grade, everybody is included. There are several problems with this attempt to make everyone “feel good about themselves”. First of all, it isn’t fooling anyone. Telling someone they’ve done a great job when they clearly haven’t is not only insulting, but it tends to set a tone of low expectations. Self esteem is built through mastery, not through pretense. Second, it isn’t grounded in reality. Giving kids false expectations about their abilities and skills is not only dishonest, but unethical. Lastly, letting kids face the letdowns of childhood, however painful, is necessary for emotional growth. Kids who haven’t had practice developing coping skills for disappointment fall apart later on when no one is standing there ready to rescue them. Though the pains of childhood are heartbreaking, they are learning experiences that, when faced with the loving support of a trusted adult, help prepare kids to deal with later life.
How Can You Help? Keep this in mind when dealing with your kids. Don’t rush to protect them from every little frustration and disappointment, for fear of upsetting them or letting them “feel bad.” Instead, help them work through the situation and their feelings by offering them support and encouragement
Coming up: Persevering/Delaying Gratification. You may also be interested in Understanding Teen Depression or Preventing Teen Sexual Harassment.
