In Communication Blockers: Mistakes to Avoid When Talking to Teens, we discussed several common mistakes adults often make when trying to support kids. Here are some more productive options.
Reflective Listening. Listen to what is being said, then try to reflect back both content and feelings underneath. “It sounds like with everything going on, you’ve been really overwhelmed lately,” or “You studied really hard for that test. That grade must have come as a real disappointment.” Give kids the chance to correct you if you’re wrong. The purpose of this is twofold. One, it helps kids identify and label their feelings. Two, it demonstrates that you empathize with them, which helps develop trust. Kids are more likely to want to continue the conversation when they feel heard.
Questioning. Ask pointed questions to help kids explore certain ideas further. Skilled questioning helps kids develop insight and self-awareness. Some examples, “What was different about this time that made you so angry?” or “Why do you think it was so hard for you to speak up for yourself?” The goal is to get kids to get a better understanding of why they are choosing certain actions and behaviors.
Goal Setting. Kids are empowered by forming their own goals about changes they want in their lives. Try to keep your agenda out of the equation. Ask questions like, “What would you like to be different?” or “What is one small change we could make that would help the situation.” When kids define the goal, they take ownership of both the problem and finding the solution. When goals seem too big, help kids break them down into smaller steps to make them more manageable.
Problem Solving. Many times, kids have dealt with similar problems before. Help them identify skills they already possess and apply them to new situations. Some examples, “How have you managed your anger with friends in the past?” or “What have you done before in similar situations? Would something like that work here?” If not, work together to help kids brainstorm creative solutions and evaluate options. It’s a good idea to start by making a list, talking about the possible consequences of each option, and then letting the teen select the solution they want to try.
Evaluation. Follow up after the solution is implemented. Ask, “How did your solution work out?” or “Has anything changed since we last talked?” Use reflective listening skills again to encourage the teen to share his experience with you. Be prepared for frustration if the problem still isn’t solved. If necessary, refine the solution, or help him choose something else to try if things haven’t worked out as hoped. For persistent or serious problems, bring parents into the loop as appropriate. For situations that cannot be changed, such as certain family issues or disappointments, help the student work on developing coping skills.
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