Our response to kids in crisis can determine whether they will continue to talk with us. Here are four common responses that tend to get in the way of good communication.
Anyone who spends any amount of time talking to teens has been in this situation. You've worked hard to develop a relationship, and now a teen in crisis has decided they trust you enough to share their experience with you. Depending on the topic, you may be confident in your ability to respond professionally and appropriately. But there may be situations where you are unsure of what to say that will help move the child along to healing. Unfortunately, we often unknowingly fall back on stereotypical responses that may make the adult feel better without really helping the child at all. Despite good intentions, many of these types of comments do not make kids feel understood, which may lessen the likelihood of further communication and ultimately may damage the relationship.
Don’t minimize the problem. Some typical examples: “It isn’t really that bad, is it?” or “In five years you won’t care about any of this stuff.” You may think you are putting things in perspective, or pointing out that others are “worse off” in an attempt to get the student to see their issue in relation to the larger world. But kids often perceive that you’re “blowing them off” or that you “don’t get it.” Minimizing makes teens feel misunderstood and isolated.
Don’t tell kids how they should feel. Examples of this are “You shouldn’t let this bother you,” or “You know you don’t really feel that way.” Imagine how disrespected you would feel if you shared personal feelings with someone and this was the response you got! Invalidating their feelings and perspective makes it unlikely that teens will share more with you. They may also wind up feeling guilty or depressed for having the “wrong” feelings.
Don’t offer false reassurance regarding things beyond your control. How many times have you heard someone say, “Everything will work out for the best!” or “Your mom will come around,” or something along those lines? Though the person may feel that they are modeling hopefulness and a positive attitude, no real plan for problem solving is made. Instead, this type of response promises a simplistic and unrealistic “quick fix” which minimizes the problem and leaves the child without any options.
Don’t blame them for the problem. Some examples of this are, “You must have done something to make him say that to you,” or “What can you do to change this?” True, students may have some responsibility in the problem, but be careful about jumping to this step too soon. In the initial stages of the disclosure, the teen is expressing their feelings in an attempt to find understanding and empathy. Moving to problem solving which may involve the student taking some ownership comes afterwards. Putting that out there too early can be perceived as blaming, which is one of the quickest ways to shut down communication.
Check back in a few days for Communication Builders: Strategies for Talking to Teens, for more on how you can enhance your own interpersonal communication skills as well as listening skills. You may also be interested in Huffing and Teens.
