Do you unknowingly convey different expectations for kids based on their sex?
When asked, most people would probably say that they treat boys and girls equally. However, we may not be aware of subtle differences in what we say and how we act; differences that may send powerful messages to kids. These messages give kids cues about how we expect them to feel, act, and think based on their sex rather than on who they are as individuals. How can you avoid putting unfair limitations on kids when you might not even be aware that you’re doing it?
It’s time to get tough with yourself by examining the following issues:
Language choice. Though saying words like “police officer” rather than “policeman” or “flight attendant” instead of “stewardess” may seem trivial, your choice of words speaks volumes. Speaking in gender-neutral terms helps broaden the possibilities for kids by normalizing choices. Other easy flubs: using the pronoun “she” automatically when referring to a teacher, and “he” when referring to a doctor. If you don’t know, ask. Don’t make assumptions.
Taking out the trash vs. washing the dishes. Are you more likely to assign chores and tasks according to stereotypical gender lines? It may seem like a small thing, but what it does is reinforce outdated beliefs about what girls and boys can and can’t do. Instead of empowering kids, these kinds of assumptions tell kids that you don’t think they are capable. Divvy up jobs by interest, ability, or at random; not based on sex.
You want to do what? Be sure you don’t convey surprise if a teen shows interest in a hobby or career that may be considered “non-traditional” for their gender. Instead, use this as an opportunity to support their choices. Likewise, make sure you are exposing all kids to different kinds of activities and opportunities regardless of their gender.
Eye of the beholder. What kinds of expectations do you reveal regarding appearance? Do your comments demonstrate that less attractive girls and women are less valuable? Or that boys who are smaller in stature are somehow weaker or less manly? Even comments veiled as jokes send clear messages and serve to define boundaries between what is “acceptable” and what isn’t. Keep in mind too that not only do kids hear you, but they emulate you, too. Especially if you are in a position of trust and respect, make sure you are setting a good example.
Why is this so important? As an important adult in the life of a teen, you have tremendous power to influence their thinking. Kids are watching you all the time for how you act, what you say, and how you treat people. When you ask the girls to help you carrying heavy boxes, or ask the boys to assist with caring for or playing with younger children, you aren’t just teaching them about equality. You are showing them that their possibilities are limitless, and that they can be true to themselves rather than adhering to a rigid set of expectations based on their gender.
For more on working with teens, see Helping Teens Express Feelings and The Truth About Girl Power, and Preventing Teen Sexual Harassment.
